Official 50Billion Guide to Parenting

The first parenting style I would like to discuss is called the 50000000000 method of parenting. This method of parenting requires the parent to be willing to let their child make the wrong choices. Well at a young age “2-6” you teach your kids right from wrong and set boundaries. When they make the wrong decision they are punished for it. Punishment should be set depending upon the “crime”. If your rule as a parent is that your child shall not curse, then you would use some the traditional soap method. Now if that doesn’t work and they should curse again you would then step up the punishment with maybe some hot pepper. Now if this doesn’t work then you should move on to the next hotter pepper. After about moving to about 4 different peppers that’s when the pepper isn’t working. Now we move on to the spanking. When you spank be sure to let you child know why they are receiving the spanking, and remember to say “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” that should make them believe that they did something very wrong and you can’t handle it. Okay now your child is 7 and is in school so you can’t stop them from getting their hands on drugs. At this point in their lives you tell them all about drugs and sex and the dangers that go along with both. You also tell them that they are welcome to try whatever it is that they want. And if they should choose to try something it’s okay with you as long as they tell you first. Now remember this is the most important part. Keep reminding them about how stupid it is to use drugs and have unprotected sex, and if they want they are welcome to ask for condoms or other forms of birth control. Now remember at this point it isn’t physical punishment that is used anymore. This is the time that you use ridicule and humiliation for punishment. If they chose to do something that wasn’t appropriate they are put on the spot for it and they should learn real quick that stupid decisions are what will make them fail in life. Now of course they are your kids and you will help them get through whatever it is that troubles them in their lives, and if they make a mistake it should only be seen as a learning experience, and they should receive no ridicule for this. The child outcome should be something like a fifth year senior in high school who cares a lot about his friends and wishes he could play football for his super senior year. He should make the choices not to do drugs and if he was having sex it would definitely be protected, but he is not sexually active. He would enjoy playing D&D and be pretty damn good at video games. He would make people laugh a lot. And everyone at school would like him.

-Reverend Frank Barbera